Introduction: Embracing the Vulnerability of an Emotional Breakdown
I stumbled upon this private journal entry from June 16, 2015, about an emotional breakdown I experienced and felt called to share it. I’ve adapted it for this blog. I hope you find inspiration through my story.
The Overwhelming Wave
During this time, I was going through massive transitions in my life: taking the next step in my business, ending a long-term relationship, coming to terms with the expiration of a friendship, drowning in debt, and just really feeling life hardcore. As my Life Coach, Sara Goff, likes to call it, I was “swimming in life soup”—though it felt more like drowning.
The Crippling Stress
Normally, I don’t cripple under stress—or at least I thought I didn’t. But this time, the stress was unbearable. I couldn’t breathe. I was consumed, suffocating, and drowning in overwhelm, fear, doubt, and uncertainty.
There were so many questions of doubt. “What am I doing? Am I even doing the right thing? Who do I have to lean on? How and where do I even start? There’s no way I am going to be able to do this. I’m so alone.”
The Root Cause: Lack of Male Support
As I felt myself cracking under pressure, I realized this overwhelming feeling boiled down to my father. I lacked male support and companionship, the kind that fathers provide their daughters. I didn’t have a father to call for guidance and advice. I’d never known what it was like to have a father’s solid, unwavering support to be there for me and help me figure things out. This void had a significant impact on my life.
The Emotional Breakdown
The weight of these realizations crushed me. The feeling I had that day was indescribable. It was a total mental and emotional breakdown. The walls were closing in on me. I felt crushed, lonely, scared, lost. This feeling of being alone was crippling. I had the sense of an utter lack of support in every sense of the word.
As I sat in a car shop waiting for an oil change, all these emotions came rushing to the surface. I knew I was going to lose it any second. The breakdown was boiling quickly to the surface.
Seeking Support and Facing Disappointment
I made a phone call in search of male support. I needed the I’ve-got-your-back-and-I’m-going-to-hold-you-up support. However, what I received was the opposite of that. The response was, “I don’t think you made the right decision, Steph. I don’t want to see you fail.” This response crushed me even further.
I don’t know where my next words came from, but through a welled-up throat of tears and a feeling of absolute despair, I managed to say, “I just need support.” I was hardly able to get it out without bursting into tears.
A Moment of Clarity
To my surprise, the person on the other end asked, “What kind of support do you need?” This question forced me to face this truth that blasted me in the face without warning. I paused for a long moment, until finally expressing, “I need emotional support. I need intimate support,” the words barely leaving my mouth.
As I hung up the phone, I burst into tears, experiencing a hysterical and uncontrollable emotional breakdown. My legs couldn’t hold my weight; I dropped to the floor, knees into my chest, and just fucking sobbed. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time.
At some point, I managed to pull myself up, and finding my bloodshot, puffy, tear-filled eyes in the mirror, I stared at myself for a long while. I felt angry at myself, hurt, not good enough, uncertain of the future, and completely paralyzed.
Finding Solace in the Emotional Breakdown
That evening, I spent time on the beach, gathering myself and my thoughts. I knew I had to feel this deep-rooted pain.
I didn’t want to run from these emotions, shove them down with food, or suppress them with distractions. Instead, I just sat with them, breathed deeply, and surrendered as much as I could while continuing to sob. It hurt. I wanted it all to go away so bad. But I continued to breathe, surrendered some more, and asked for divine guidance.
Divine Intervention and a Message of Hope
In moments like these, I turn to God, seeking resolve and clarity, and say, “Please be with and guide me. I know I’m not alone, even though I feel alone. Please remind me that I’m not alone and that you and the Universe have my back. Remind me of what I know, that I will be okay, and this is all in service to my highest good.”
As I pleaded for comfort and strength, a conversation I’d had with someone recently came to mind. He had asked me two questions: “Do you believe in what you’re doing?” and “Do you believe in yourself?” My answers were a resounding “Yes.”
“Then that’s all I need to know,” he replied. “The rest will figure itself out and fall into place as it should.”
Trusting the Process & Surrendering to the Journey
These words resonated deeply with me as I sat on the beach. I was reminded to trust the process and, most importantly, believe in myself. I do not have to fall prey to limiting beliefs. My fears and perceived limitations do not define me; they are not me. I believe in myself unwaveringly. I trust myself, undoubtedly. I’m supported in every way, I know that everything falls perfectly into place as it’s meant to, and I have what it takes within me to achieve anything I set my mind to.
The emotional breakdown was a huge breakthrough. I needed to feel everything that had been buried so it could be released. It gave me huge insights and incredible healing.
I hope my story inspires you to find strength, trust the divine unfolding of everything, and trust yourself, even in the face of overwhelming challenges.
If you’d like help navigating a challenging situation in your life, click here to schedule a complimentary discovery coaching call with me.